I’m a recovering share-addict. My apologies to all the kids I’ve nagged to death til they shared with my boys.

Like the kid across the street with the most awesome toys ever.

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Sharing toys

When my oldest was little, he coveted all the things in the neighbor’s garage. Delightful scooters and bubble machines and dump trucks.

My little guy would cry giant tears til I twisted the neighbor kid’s arm and badgered him into letting my kid have whatever he wanted: “See, he’s just a little thing and doesn’t understand why he can’t play with all your toys right now. So be a good guy and give him a turn. Now.” Mother-of-the-year, I know.

Sometimes I’d act like a grown up and ignore my kid’s tantrums. I’d distract him instead: “Okay, it’s still your friend’s turn. Why don’t you play with that leaf blower over there?” Eventually the neighbor would get bored with the prized toy, and my kid would get to man-handle it.

Apparently, one-year-olds aren’t too keen on why they can’t have that one thing they want right this very second. If you don’t give it to them right this very second, they will surely die. We’re talking life or death, people. The situation calls for high drama. Seriously, it’s their only bargaining chip. And it works. I’ve made many a kid share with my kid as a result.

So my apologies, everyone. I’m a mom-in-progress.

And I’ve seen the light. Because I now have two little people. Sharing is a hot topic around my house these days.

Taking turns

My youngest is the one-year-old now. And he’s already figured out what level of nuclear tear-age is necessary to get what he wants. For maximum effect, he’ll even bang his head against the door for you.

Here’s a typical scenario.

Big brother reads a book about TRUCKS! Little brother covets book. Little brother steals book. Big brother protests. Little brother loses book. Little brother cries all the big cries.

Before I tamed my share-addict ways, my response to big brother went like this:

Can your brother have a turn with the book?

No! It’s mine!

He’s little. He doesn’t understand why he can’t have it. I’d like you to please share it with him.

No! It’s mine!

Well, he really wants a turn. I know sharing is hard. So I’m going to set the timer and when it rings, it’ll be his turn with the book.

No! It’s mine!

The timer rings. I steal book from big brother and give it to little brother. Big brother cries all the big cries. Little brother runs victory laps through the house, completely ignoring the book.

Stephen Covey’s approach

I thought this was the only option. My children must learn to share. To take turns. To live successfully in society. Or else: they are destined to be spoiled brats (gasp!)

Then I read Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. And he tells this story about his daughter’s 3rd birthday.

She gets tons of toys and all the little guests want to play with them. She resists: “No! They’re mine!” The girl’s got a point. I mean, hey, it’s her birthday. But the little guests are persistent. And loud. Can you imagine 10 children crying in jealous rage all at once? Oh, the horror! Make the madness stop!

Covey decides to save the day and forces his daughter to share her new toys with these random kids. Children are sated, but the little girl will remember today as the worst birthday ever. Sigh. #DadFail

What’s a parent to do?

Covey muses, “Perhaps my daughter needed the experience of possessing the things before she could give them.”

Since parenting is basically one big science experiment after another, I gave this some thought and decided to approach this whole sharing thing another way.

Fostering generosity

Now the scenario with my boys plays out like this.

Big brother reads a book about TRUCKS! Little brother covets book. Little brother steals book. Big brother protests. Little brother loses book. Little brother cries all the big cries.

I respond like this:

Can your brother have a turn with the book?

No! It’s mine!

He’s little. He doesn’t understand why he can’t have it. I’d like you to share it with him when you’re finished with it. And I’ll find another book for him to look at right now.

Um… okay.

Big brother keeps book. I tell little brother that big brother isn’t finished with the book and don’t you want to look at this other one instead? The response is usually more tears. Which I ignore #MommaStrong

Then something miraculous happens. Because I don’t make big brother share.

Big brother looks at his sad little drama queen of a brother and offers the book. (Momma’s heart breaks.)

Little brother’s tears stop immediately. Little brother hugs big brother and says his version of thank you: “Ten-two!” Big brother is so proud.

And when little brother has something big brother wants, I remind big brother to ASK little brother if he can have a turn with it.

Little brother loves having the power for once and says, “No!”

I tell big brother that little brother isn’t finished with it, so go find something else to do.

As soon as little brother notices big brother has moved on, he goes to find big brother and gives him the toy. Big brother runs to me and announces, “Look, he’s all done with it, Mommy! Now I can have a turn!”

And little brother dances a jig because he has made big brother so happy.

Stephen Covey is right:

“…once children gain a sense of real possession, they share very naturally, freely, and spontaneously.”

So give it a try. Ban the old everyone-must-take-turns-and-share policy. Give your little guy or gal the chance to choose to share. Let them experience the joy of choice and the beauty of generosity.

And I’ll cross my fingers we don’t end up raising selfish, spoiled brats.

Let me know how your experiment goes. Comment below or on Facebook at MothersRest.